Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
