I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
