things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
