There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
