Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
