I want to have your abortion
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
