you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
