I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
