I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
