i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize