Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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