Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize