I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
