Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I believe in your delicious
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
