dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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