life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
