I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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