i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
