dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
