Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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