Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
