She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
