I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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