Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
