I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
