I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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