Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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