Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
