I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My penis needs a shock collar
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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