i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
