where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
