Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
