so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize