Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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