We named our party play list daddy issues
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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