im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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