the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
