You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
