Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
