I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
