I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
