My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize