My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
