I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
