you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
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