Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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