i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
