So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
