where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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