That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize