so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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