Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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