i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
