your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize