Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
