WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
