So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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