Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Bang-toberfest begins!!
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize