I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
