he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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