drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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