I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
its not stalking. its research.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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