Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize