Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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