I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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