I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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