New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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